My Regrets.

I am thirty five years old right now. I have been since May of this year and I am taking a good long look at this time in my life. I must say it is not where I expected to be, and I do have regrets. I wanted to be one of those people who say, “I have no regrets.” But, I do. I regret things I have done, or situations I have been in that has caused people pain now-all these years later.

Sixteen, eighteen, and even twenty four years old, I felt that I would live forever. That time is on my side, and so what if you live on the edge? Or you get in trouble? Or you flip people off, and rebel against society. Who cares? Well, I do now. That’s why I can really relate to Angelina Jolie. When she was with Billy Bob, and wearing those blood viles and black hair with tattoos, making out on the red carpet….and then now. All these kids later, and UNISEF, Brad, a conservative bad girl reformed with a glow of purity and love and a past so controversial I think no one will ever forget. That is exactly what I am taking about. I did the same thing. I was wild, and I was rebellious. I did the unspeakable, I pushed the limits. I had every color hair, and didn’t care. I didn’t think anyone was watching, I was living my life. Well, plenty of people were watching like friends and family. The ones who worried about me. I didn’t think they had to. The trail I left behind me when I awoke from the blur of rebellious youth was tainted and damaged. I have been repairing this road for over five years now. Most of my friends and family have accepted me as ‘past Bobbi’ & now ‘present Bobbi’…but I lost some friends and family along the way.

So, I have regrets.

Now, the road I am on is still the same road…but I have new skills that have been helping me get to where I want to go. When I drink, I don’t drink too much. When I go out, I don’t stay out until morning. I care what I eat, I watch what I put into my body. I worry about the sun and my skin. I follow the laws and rules of the road. I return calls, and answer emails. I send birthday cards and try to make all birthday parties. I work long hours, and push myself hard. I work out as a treat to myself. I challenge myself and my children to be the best. I practice breathing and patience. I still don’t like religion, and phoniness but it doesn’t bother me anymore.

I don’t care if kids think I’m old, or elderly think I’m young. I have no shame in loving jazz and Elvis. And still know all my daughter’s hip-hop songs. I’d love to look back at 45 and see where I am now. My only regrets are: waiting too long, not playing enough, not being nice, caring about things that don’t matter, and not following the big picture sooner. Otherwise, I am just trying to keep up with my life!!!

As I get older my heart gets bigger, and I have more compassion. I like to look into eyes longer and smile quicker. I let go of things at a record pace and I believe that ‘every day above ground is a great day.’ And I still believe I was born to be wild. But, I direct that to my creativity. My paintings, and writing, art, film making, song writing.

I talk to people in elevators, smile at the cashiers, give water to the crossing guards. I believe what you give out comes back. I love my enemies. I have less enemies now then I ever had in my life. I focus on solutions instead problems. I believe in global change and harmony. I believe in communication and commerce. I believe we are all human first before skin color and creed, age, religion and beliefs. Tolerance is for people who think they are better than others. I believe in Acceptance. That the more we learn, the less we know.

We are all trying to figure out how to ‘get it right’, like there is some ‘rule book’. Trying to avoid being like something or someone; instead of just being expressed. Laughing out loud, dancing when know one else does. Dressing out of your own creativity, not because a magazine says you should. I gave up that I have the ‘right way’ or the ‘only way’ or that I am ‘always right’. My life just sucked when I was in that world.

Now, I give myself permission to smile when I am walking alone-and it confuses people. I say hello, and really want to say hello. I play like a kid and I know what ever I have done in my life-I already know I have made it. I am blessed to be alive.